Apologies
by The Lady Bri
Summary: Sirius Black's thoughts while in Azkaban


I'm sorry.  
  
I failed you, James, Lily. I failed the both of you.  
  
I should have known. There were signs. I know that now. There's nothing so clear in the world as 20/20 hindsight. I should have known Peter wasn't to be trusted, that he would betray you, betray me, betray us all. The more I think about it, the more I can see. You see, my friends, I can see a lot of things here. There really isn't much else for me to do other than sit here and think. I'm sure the dementors aren't too terribly appreciative of my thoughts. I can't say that I am giving them a good supply of happy thoughts. I would imagine it all tastes quite bitter to them. It feels that way to me.  
  
We protected him, Prongs, my friend. Remember that first year? Snape, being the slimy git he was thought it funny to give him a hard time on a regular basis. In all honestly, I didn't give it all much more notice than everyone else until that one day during potions. Him, being the little show off, thought himself to be really clever and slip something foul into Peter's work. It gave off such a stench. I recall them laughing at the poor kid and I just felt sorry for him. See, in that moment, it all started to be my fault. I took notice of him and he had my pity. Because of that pity, you both would die and little Harry would be left an orphan.  
  
Harry. How old would he be now? Time doesn't mean so much here. There are days that I would like to keep better track of it so I could keep my sense of self a little bit clearer. Then there are days I'd rather forget.  
  
However, it's a little hard to forget things here. As I said, these memories are all I have and they are all less than pleasant now. He's tainted them.  
  
I wish I hadn't felt sorry for him. I wish the laughter hadn't gotten to me. I wish I hadn't tipped my potion over onto back and turned him a bright shade of pea green.  
  
Actually, I'm kind of glad I did that. Now that was funny and well worth the detention I received. I smiled the whole time scrubbing the room down thinking of how long he'd stay green and the look on his face was priceless.  
  
Peter tainted that thought, too. You think this would count as one of those happy emotions my wardens care so much for, but no. Because he's there, because I remember that I was the one who let him in, I remember it painfully.  
  
Was it painful, Lily? I don't think I want to know.  
  
After that, he stuck to us. He grated a bit on Remus's nerves. Hell, he annoyed me a bit, too, but you stuck right with him. You had a soft spot for the little guys and he knew it. When he was with us, he was picked on less. He knew he was protected. He had always been scared to death by bullies.  
  
I wish I had remembered that.  
  
At Hogwarts, we were the strong ones. Outside of the school, after graduation, well, that was different. Out there... Out there in the great wide world there were things and people much stronger than us and far more numerous. Out there, people were dying and being coerced by the biggest bully of them all.  
  
I refuse to call him You Know Who. Those bastards whom I share a prison with... they whisper the name. I won't. Voldemort. Yes, there, I said. He has no power over me. There's nothing left for him to take from me. Oh, I know people say he's dead, but I don't believe it. He's out there somewhere.  
  
Waiting.  
  
I'm waiting, too. I know the feeling. There's the frustration, the anger... it builds, James. It all builds up so quickly. Throw the guilt into the mix and it's all almost too much to bear. Some days, I think I deserve it. Other days, I don't. These days, I'm just angry. Today, especially.  
  
He was so afraid of everything and that is exactly how he got him. He used that fear. I know he did. I wish I knew when exactly. He probably offered him that protection that we provided him for so long. We were never good enough, for Peter. He never valued us. He valued what we could do for him.  
  
Well, I guess the two of us proved valuable after all, James. You were the perfect prize and I was the perfect patsy. Remember how we had come to him? We thought we were so brilliant. I was terrified that Voldemort would come after me, not for fear of death... You know I'd die for the both of you. Tell me you know that. My fear was that I wouldn't be strong enough, that he'd find some way to reveal you and little Harry.  
  
I suppose I should stop calling him that. He's not so little anymore. I remember he had your eyes, Lily. Such wonderful eyes...  
  
I was ready for him to come for me. Peter would be left alone because no one would think he knew a thing. I can imagine how excited he was, to offer that information to Voldemort.  
  
He was quite a bit animated when I found him. He probably didn't think I'd track him, down, but I did. It's amazing the things grief can propel a person to do. His eyes, Lily. His eyes were something altogether different. Peter looked so very afraid. At first I thought it was just me, but no. I realized it later. After he killed all those people. After the Ministry pulled me away. He was so afraid of everything. That look... It reminded me of his eyes back on that day in potions. He knew just how weak he was, how there would always be people who could hurt him. Peter had never been our friend, James. He just wanted to save his own hide.  
  
That was the last time he will ever have my pity.  
  
I'm looking at him now, James. He's perched on a little boy's shoulder. The minister was kind enough to give me his paper, you see. Most kind. This boy, he goes to school with Harry.  
  
He's at Hogwarts, James.  
  
They both are.  
  
Voldemort. He's out there, waiting.  
  
Peter is in there, waiting.  
  
Harry... The boy knows nothing of all this. He doesn't know the danger he is in.  
  
I'm sorry, James. I'm sorry, Lily. I know I failed you both.  
  
But I won't fail your son.  
  
I promise you that. 


End file.
